Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God. Psalm 43:5

It is officially winter again and all of the leaves have now fallen off the trees.  This, of course, exposes all of the damage they sustained from the ravaging ice storm of 2009 last January.  That ice storm was a pre-cursor to the sentiment we would feel with the events in our life throughout 2009.  Yes, God has been so good to us. We wake up each day blessed. But I would be dishonest if I said it has been an easy year.  I won’t go in to details here. God knows about it all. 

Back to the damaged trees.  As I was surveying thier damage, I commented on how hard it was to believe that they actually survived and bloomed so beautifully this past spring, hiding all the disfigurement from the ice. It’s amazing they could really survive such weight from the ice.  Yes, they have thier battle  scars, but they are still alive.  Perhaps even made a little stronger because of enduring such an ordeal. My mom then responded, “Well, the reason they survived was because of thier root sytem.”

It was an AH-HA moment for me. I thought, “I can survive this, if I stay rooted in the Lord.” It doesn’t mean it is easy or that I won’t have scars, but I can survive. And perhaps, like our trees, I too, will flourish again one day.

I have to admit that I have asked this question in my heart. Sometimes it feels that He has forgotten or simply is not concerned about our hurts. I heard something tonight that pained my heart deeply. And again I questioned, “Does HE care?” The words of this song came to my mind. God has been using music to minister to me recently. There is so much depth in hymns that were written through much anguish of heart. Here are the words. May you find comfort in knowing, “OH YES! He cares.”

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth and song;
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

O yes, He cares- I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary,
The long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

O yes, He cares- I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary,
The long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when I’ve said goodbye
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks ­
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

O yes, He cares- I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary,
The long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

My Uncle Kenny passed away last night, December 10th, around 10:30pm.  He was my mother’s only brother and so Mom is beginning her journey of grief. I am thankful we were able to tell him good-bye one last time just hours before he took his last breath. He kept telling Stewart and me, “God bless you. Good-bye. I will see you in heaven. Good-bye! I love you.”  To say it was sad and sobering seems so cliche. But it is hard to describe what you feel when you are in the presence of someone you love who is about to pass on from this life as we all know it. I am thankful he is no longer suffering and in pain from the cancer that was ravaging his body. I will always remember how he was able to put a smile on my face, even when life wasn’t funny.  I remember in one of our visits to the hopsital recently, how he was trying to comfort me because of what Stewart and I had been through. This made me cry even harder as I begged him to forgive me because what I was hurting from could not compare to his suffering.  But he just hugged me and told me how sorry he was and how he never wanted to only think about himself, but always be senstive to the pain of others. Wow.

Death has a way of making you stop and realize that this life is quickly fading for all of us. It is just a vapor.

This picture was taken a few weeks ago at my Aunt Brenda’s house and I believe it was the last time my Grandma and Grandpa were able to see him.  In this photo, my grandma is singing to her son to comfort his heart and perhaps her own as well. 

Good-bye, Uncle Kenny.  You will be missed greatly. I love you.

I woke up yesterday morning with the words of this song in my head. I was actually singing it in my mind. I think the Lord was trying to give me hope.

Something in your eyes I see
Reminds me of what used to be
When I was still uncertain of the truth
Sleepless nights that turned to days
Alone inside an endless space
Counting on someone to see me through

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

We can all use a good laugh.

We get caught in the trap of feeling that showing grief means we do not have enough faith. The last thing you ever want to do is act better than you feel. To be placed in a position of having to be whole when you are still torn apart is devastating and even dangerous.

from the book Discovering Permission to Grieve by Doug Manning

Our pastor gave us this series of books on grieving this past Sunday night and they really helped me to sort through and understand what is happening to me.  I really appreicate these books. Although we never knew our 3 precious embryos that were placed inside my womb in October or the 2 that were in May, it still is a loss…one that needs to be grieved.  Not only did we lose 5 embryos in total, but we are grieving the loss of a dream of being biological parents. Yes, God could perform a miracle, but sometimes He choses not to for reasons we can’t understand. He doesn’t always heal or say yes to our petition. That is a hard reality to accept.

Sunday night was my first step in a long  journey of healing. I can’t tell you what it did for me to just have people cry with me.  They were validatating that I was hurting and that I had experienced a great loss. I didn’t feel like they were looking at me as a failure because I was sad. Thank you to all those who just cried with me.

I am sad and grieving right now over the loss of a dream. Right now, it is hard to think that things will ever be ok.  But I realize and accept the fact that I have just experienced a devastating loss and it is normal to feel this way. It is comforting to know that I don’t have to hide this from God.  (And I couldn’t even if I wanted to hide it from Him.)I just want to be real here. I am hurting and I am thankful to know that my saddness, doubts and anger do not shock HIM. He is bigger than all of that. And how precious to know that Jesus  is “…a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief:…” Is.53:3

I read a quote from C.S. Lewis that says, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, but He shouts to us in our pain.”